Changes for the better?

Since my last post on having thoughts of taking a break from work, many things has happened in just 5 months. Technically, I’m married (still can’t sink in the fact after being single for 27 years) and i’m really thankful that the wedding went well and it’s finally over, one less thing to worry about. We have also collected the keys to our BTO flat, it’s in the progress of renovation, hopefully it will be ready by CNY.

Another good news i would like to announce…I’m going to be a mum soon too! We wanted a goat baby so we decided to try conceiving exactly 3 months before our wedding date as we calculated that if we were to try only after wedding, with 9 months of pregnancy, we only have 3 months to try conceiving in order to get a goat baby and it doesn’t help when my menses are irregular which comes on average 2 months once. Although the pregnancy was pre-planned in a way, however, we did not expect to hit the jackpot on our very first try!

Maybe i’ll write on how we found out about the pregnancy in another post. The first 3 months of pregnancy is literately nightmare for me, feeling nauseous and vomiting almost everyday. I had appetite for nothing, i slept most of the time and feeling really weak. As a result of this, i took frequent MCs and leaves from work which i felt really guilty and stressed especially when i was just tasked to take over the whole department.

That period was crucial since it was reaching year end and as department head, I was responsible to plan for the department’s roadmap for 2015, KPIs, budget, headcount etc. Endless back to back meetings. I’m lucky and blessed to have competent managers whom i can rely on to get things done and with them, i managed to tied through the difficult period, although i believe i will perform better with better health conditions.

With the ever fast changing pace of the company and with deteriorating health conditions due to pregnancy symptom such as tiredness, i swear after a full day of work i’m mentally and physically drained. There are times where i felt 有心无力 and i get disappointed with myself for the deteriorating performance by which i do not meet my own expectations. 过得了别人但过不了自己这关。

Hubby mentioned about not being too stressed during pregnancy as it will affect the baby which both of us agreed that i should take a break. We had multiple talks, discussions and persuasions over this issue for few weeks and i’m glad to have a hubby who is able to understand, help me list out and analyze the situation clearly, assess our finance and points out the direction i should take, which is to resign from the company, but he lets me make the ultimate decision.

It’s really hard for me to make a decision and I get pissed with myself for being flicker minding, (just blame it on the pregnancy hormones) especially being in the company for 8 years with counts of personal achievements and milestones achieved together with the team but at the same time, i believe it is a sooner or later decision where it is time for me to go and get new life experiences, be it personal life or professional life. I have been deciding back and forth on this issue literately everyday – never came across anyone having so much difficulties resigning from a job.

Getting frustrated with myself from the daily ding-dongs, I told myself that i need to make a decision and never go back in circles again. Regardless of whether i will regret making the wrong choice, i need to make a decision to move on. After much weighing, I made the decision of tendering my resignation. I think i will need to write another post so to remind myself on the list of factors which results in my decision at that moment and not regret the choice i made. Keeping my fingers crossed for now.

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